Welcome to our advice column, where you can send in your questions anonymously! Just click here to submit your queries. (It’s completely anonymous!)
—
Dear Prudence,
I recently moved into a home at the end of a shared driveway. My front neighbors have two young children who often play outside my house. It’s usually not a problem since we all lack large backyards, and I don’t park there. The kids are sweet, and although I’m not on a first-name basis with their parents, we exchange pleasantries when we see each other. It’s nice having neighbors, but there’s a situation I’m unsure how to address.
I own an indoor cat, and the younger child, about 7 years old, is extremely fond of him. She frequently comes to look at him through my front window. While her affection for cats reminds me of my own childhood, her constant presence feels intrusive, especially when I’m in my private space. She sometimes leaves cat food and litter on my doorstep, which I don’t use. If I don’t bring them inside right away, I notice they’ve been moved, suggesting she checks back. Her actions have intensified recently, making me feel like I’m losing my privacy. It’s unsettling to feel watched while I’m cooking, relaxing, or exercising. I realize I need to discuss this with her parents, but I’m conscious of their limited space and how disappointing it can be for a child to hear “no.” I want to handle this delicately without resorting to keeping my curtains closed all the time. Right now, there’s an unwanted box of cat supplies on my doorstep.
—Leave Me and My Cat Alone
—
Dear Cat Alone,
Have you considered setting aside some time each day or week for “cat time”? You could approach the parents and suggest, “I’ve noticed Peyton is really taken with Mr. Whiskers. It’s a bit surprising to see her peering in so frequently, but I’d be happy to arrange a regular visitation schedule. She could even play with him or help feed him, if that’s okay with you.”
Then, explain the arrangement to the 7-year-old and gently remind her not to linger on your porch daily. For instance, “When you see Mr. Whiskers’ picture on the door, feel free to watch him from the porch or come in for a visit. If the picture isn’t there, please play near your home and visit another time.” This solution could make everyone happy and even prepare a future pet-sitter.
—
Got a question about kids, parenting, or family life? Send it to Care and Feeding!
—
Dear Prudence,
I’m facing a very common dilemma. I’m a 30-year-old cisgender heterosexual woman living in a big city, desiring at least two children and a partner to raise them with. However, I absolutely detest dating. The apps are dreadful, and I can hardly bring myself to use them. My insecurities about being overweight are a challenge, though I’m working on them in therapy. My therapist encourages me to date, but I just can’t bring myself to do it. Speed dating and other methods of meeting people are equally unappealing. My social circles are predominantly female, offering little opportunity to meet potential partners. Despite being highly functional in other areas of my life, finding a partner eludes me. Time seems to be running out for me to have the family I deeply desire. Please advise.
—Just Do It (How???)
—
Dear Just Do It,
Are you open to arranged marriages? It’s one of the few ways to find a life partner without traditional dating, though it still involves some initial meetings. Wanting a partner without the effort of dating is like wishing for a job without applying or interviewing. It’s tough, but necessary, to put yourself out there in love and work.
However, there might be less daunting ways to approach dating. Consider these suggestions:
1. Look among your friends. Is there someone you’re already close to who might be interested?
2. Ask loved ones to set you up. They know you well and can likely pick someone compatible.
3. Try a professional matchmaker. They can screen potential matches for you, saving you time and energy.
4. Explore new venues. Places like Home Depot or community events might offer opportunities to meet men.
5. Accept all social invitations. You never know who you might meet, or who could introduce you to a potential partner.
6. Engage with people in your daily life. Smile, joke, and compliment others. It could lead to unexpected connections.
7. Have a backup plan. There are many paths to motherhood and partnership, even outside of romance.
Remember, you’re not alone in your frustrations with dating. Finding a gentle approach that works for you is key.
—
Dear Prudence,
My brother and I were adopted by our grandparents due to our parents’ substance abuse issues. Fast forward, and my mother, now suffering from cirrhosis, has resumed drinking after a brief period of sobriety. She claims loneliness and depression as her reasons and wishes to see my children, whom she hasn’t been around much in the last three years. My grandmother guilt-trips me into visiting her more, but I don’t feel responsible for my mother’s happiness, especially given her negative impact on my life. I’ve supported her in many ways over the years, but it’s taken a toll on me. Am I wrong for feeling this way?
—Emotionally Burnt Out
—
Dear Burnt Out,
You’ve answered your own question. You’re not responsible. You’ve done more than enough, and now it’s time to focus on your children, something she failed to do for you.